I took my fear

I took my fear And it was slippery, sticky. It filtrated through my every crack. It was unstoppable like lava flowing from the open crater of a volcano. It darkened the sun and took hold of the stars. It was a deep dive into the sea, your bones shivering at the realisation that the water above is too heavy, your lungs suddenly burning with the uncertainty of the next breath. I took my fear. I breathed it all in and I allowed it to paralise every muscle of my body. In that very moment, my world stopped spinning and I held my breath awhile. I took my fear and I smoothed out an edge of it. I was still free falling, dizzy with the sudden confirmation of its enormity. But I saw it. And like a mother opens her arms to hold a crying infant, I took my fear in. My body was exhausted from carrying this fear about life, my legs each weighing a ton and my shoulders dropping heavy under its burden. I took my fear, I looked at it. I sat next to it and let it crawl onto my lap. Like a piece of clay, I twisted it and tweaked it. No one dies of a feeling, I told myself. No matter how overwhelming this fear feels, my body holds enough space to breathe it in and breathe it out. The cry is not the hurt, it’s the expression of the hurt. And so… In the middle of the night, I lit a candle. In the middle of the fall, I took a breath. When the skies darkened with the most ominous clouds, I reminded myself that the Sun, the Moon and the stars were still there, above it. This fear was big, it couldn’t be ignored. So I took it. I moulded it and I poked holes in it to let other feelings in too. This too shall pass. There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.

Today, I walked past.
I walked past the homeless person.
I walked past the peaceful protest.
I pushed my trolley in front of me,
and walked past.
I felt all of the bad stuff piling up in my stomach,
just all of it.
The anger, the fear, the shame, the self hatred.
I had tears in my eyes and a big punch in my guts
but I still walked past.
While I was walking past, something happened.
I put one feet in front of me after another
-I was walking past,
I was feeling bad about myself walking past-
I did tentatively lift my gaze.
And I saw her blue eyes and her smile.
I didn't see her, just her flashing blue eyes and her smile.
I recognised them. I saw it:
The green light to take care of myself first.
I blinked, and it was all gone
like a weight had been lifted.
She was gone, too. She had walked past.

Hogares y casas

Quizá mi hogar sean solamente las palabras.
Perderme por las calles. Las calles de donde sea.
Llorar en los trenes. En cualquier tren. En cualquier idioma.
Llenar los días de caricias tiernas
las tardes de libros y bañeras hirviendo
y las noches de mantas pesadas de penumbra.
Quizá mi hogar sean solamente los libros
en los que escapo
y las palabras en que busco refugio,
y no haya ningún conjunto de paredes que pueda definirlo
porque no es un hogar tangible.
Quizá mi hogar no esté en un país,
sino más bien en un color.
Puede que en el tono verde de la hierba cuando llueve,
quizá en la lluvia que reemplaza la lluvia,
o en el azul del mar, o en el espectáculo del crepúsculo.
No se puede volver a un hogar que nunca se tuvo del todo.
Quizá pueda una aprender a habitar su propio cuerpo,
para variar,
sin salar las heridas cada vez que algo se tuerce,
quizá pueda una aprender a convivir ensigo misma
en lugar de tratar de escapar de sus propias entrañas,
y quizá
puede ser
exista la posibilidad
de que la palabra hogar signifique entonces alguna cosa
y una casa sea simplemente una casa.

Que jo t'estimo és un fet de la vida. Jo t'estimo de la mateixa manera que el Sol surt i es pon cada dia, sense esforç, sense esperar res a canvi. T'estimo de la mateixa manera que els núvols plouen la pluja, de vegades de mica en mica, i d'altres de manera torrencial. Sempre està plovent en alguna cantonada del planeta. Així estimo. T'estimo exactament igual que respiro. Sense pensar-m'ho. Sense voler. Inqüestionablement. De vegades me'n faig conscient i segueixo aquest batec, preguntant-me com és que encara és aquí i no s'ha apagat. És una mena de força vital independent. Intento per totes les vies que no hi sigui, ofegar-lo, però -vés- jo t'estimo com respiro. I podem controlar la respiració, és cert, però tard o d'hora tornem a agafar un glop d'aire que ens retorni a la vida, com un instinct de supervivència que actua amb la nostra voluntat o de vegades sense ella. El meu amor per tu funciona ben bé d'aquesta manera. Crec que sempre hi serà i que sempre hi podré retornar si perdo massa el nord. Com la respiració.
Potser amor no és la paraula que estic buscant. N'hi ha tantes! Potser la paraula és magnetisme. Com un iman que m'atrau de manera absolutament irressistible i em destrossa les prioritats, o millor dit, les endreça com cal. I de tota manera, com m'hi hauria de resistir? Qui ho voldria fer, això? És igual. És una força gravitatòria que m'atrau sense remei. I m'hi perdo, en aquesta força. Sense mapa.
M'hi ensopego una vegada darrera de l'altra. M'hi faig un embolic. M'espanta i m'atrau. M'aterroritza. Em fa petita i em fa gran alhora.
Han passat tants anys i reconeixeria la olor de la teva pell en qualsevol cantonada de la galàxia. (No la sé explicar, la olor, això m'ho guardo per mi.) És un amor terrible. Perquè potser podré estimar altres persones, i serà un amor real, tangible, apassionat, lent i ràpid tot alhora. Podré estimar altres i també d'altres maneres, però saps? Fins que em mori mai no deixaré de respirar. I no passa res. Com ja deia, que jo t'estimo és un fet de la vida. És tan maco que algú t'estimi d'aquesta manera. És un amor que és, sense necessitat de qualificatius o explicacions: és i prou.

Cork Filmmakers Fly On the Wings of Ambition

Photographer: Elena Okariz

200 attend Ambition Films' company launch and the premiere of Fallen Angel

Cork, 14th April 2014. Last Friday, 11th April 2014, there were queues along the hallways and down the stairs of the Imperial Hotel, Cork, of guests waiting to catch the premiere screening of Seán Creagh's Fallen Angel. Booked out before the night ever began, some guests on the waiting list were unfortunately turned away because of the room's maximum seating capacity.

Guests waiting on the queue
Photographer: Elena Okariz

In May of 2012, an "angel" walked the streets of Cork as part of this daring (some would say mad) short. Two years later, the company behind the venture "Ambiton Films" put on a spectacle unheard of in the Cork short film scene, in celebration of the completion of this project.

Ticket with a feather, programme and free popcorn ticket are handed in
Photographer: Elena Okariz

The night included the full-sized angel wings on display, which measure 435cm from tip to tip. But that was only the beginning. Each guest received a ticket with a feather in it, upon arrival. They were also treated to free popcorn and a night of socializing, with actors and crew recounting anecdotes from this larger-than-life production.

Guest speaker Angela Newman of Chattyboo Productions put the achievements of Ambition Films in perspective with a thought-provoking speech on the challenges and hardships of the artistic world. Drawing on her own theatrical background, she inspired laughter from the crowd, stripping away the magic of the red carpet. "Being an artiste," she reminded guests, "is not as glamorous as people think." Yet, she concluded on note that resonated with many of the young hopeful actors and filmmakers in the audience. "You're following not a dream, but your calling."

The director himself took to the stage next, to appeal to actors, filmmakers and fans to get involved in the company's next project. Ambtion Films' ethos is based on the motto "Discover, Inspire." He described his own experience of learning by doing, and revealed that the company hopes to provide opportunities for others to learn their craft in the same hands-on way.

The director and head of the new company, Seán Creagh
Photographer: Elena Okariz

The next Ambition Films project, Kelly’s Verdict, hopes to cast many young, emerging Irish actors. Building on the company's philosophy of promoting development, this project will include an intensive "Acting for Film" training course for young, successful auditionees.

"Amazing", said audience members after the premiere screening itself. "A great social commentary on homelessness." While others noted "special effects were superb; much above what I was imagining was possible", and many fans called for Ambition's next work to be a longer film.

News on the company's upcoming project, how to get involved and crowdfunding campaign can be found on www.ambitionfilmsireland.com.
Email: info.ambitionfilms@gmail.com.
For more information, please contact:
Ambition Films Press Office
info.ambitionfilms@gmail.com