What I never said

When you are around it feels like home. It is hard to explain even in my own language, it is not rational, not love, it is just what it is. I feel warm and safe and happy, like anyone feels when you get home after a very long day and you know there will be a nice fireplace inside and someone smiling to you. I know it shouldn't and I know it is completely wrong, I know there is not even a word to describe it properly, I know you won't feel the same way. I know that it is something that would scare anyone if I said all of this out loud, because no one is used to say how we truly feel anymore. We ran out of bravery for this kind of things because someone told us that we are grown up now, but life used to be a lot easier when you were fifteen and a kiss was just a kiss, wasn't it?

I know I don't know you at all - and I wish I could. And I wish it could just not matter for good. And I wish we had all the time in this world. Because you are not going to be back here once you are back at home, and for sure I won't move from where I am. We only have the time we have, and not a second more than this.

I used to be a fool a long time ago, and as the very fool I was I believed in causality and serendipity and I thought that the world needed to be a tiny bit crazier to work it out, even if it wasn't named with the-four-letters-word, and I can tell you I know I wouldn't have had a doubt of taking the first step even if I knew -as I do- there was no possible path. I just didn't care at all if there was a path or not, because I just had to try and see.

Things are quite different now that I know the consequences, once I know how deeply it can hurt. And I would still prefer to try, to risk, to take all the consequences better than live with the terrible doubt of what could have had happened.

But then you come and confuse me with acts and words that won't match, with things I have no clue to translate. And I find myself wondering if I should just let it go and forget about all the great small details or if I should just publish this, hope you read it and eventually talk about how we feel in this mad mad life. Or don't talk at all.

"What you never said" was a place online where anyone could go and say that kind of things that you know you can't say out loud but you need to say them in order to throw them out of yourself. 

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